Traveling Back in Time to Love on This Baby

So much love for this baby!

This is a guest blog by Playhouse mom, Nikki. You can follow her here at https://www.instagram.com/makingmilliestones/

I wish I could go back in time and love on this baby. Be her mom. I was her mom, but I sure didn’t feel or act like it. She spent 22 days in the NICU, and I remember making myself get in the car and drive the hour to see her. A couple of those days, I didn’t go at all. I felt incredibly guilty and awful 🥺. But the truth is, when Millie was born, I struggled to connect with her and that terrified me. Between the exclusive pumping, being in the midst of a pandemic, caring for her older sister, spending hours in a bright loud NICU, and grieving the diagnosis, I was quite frankly, a mess. I had unconditional love for her but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find that motherly connection I had felt when her sister was born. The NICU is hard. It takes an emotional toll on you. Factor in a diagnosis and strict pandemic rules, and it becomes even harder. But once we were home, there was a light, a weight had lifted and my heart started to fill again.

You all know it, Millie is my world. When she had heart surgery a couple months ago, I couldn’t stand to be away from her for even a minute but I had to go home once and awhile to switch with Morgan and take care of her sisters. But when I was gone, my heart longed to be with her.

It’s NICU awareness month, so I wanted to share my feelings in hopes it could help another mom struggling to connect with her baby in the NICU or connect with a baby with a diagnois. I see you. I felt those feelings. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom, it just means you’re processing. It’s not what you pictured. But there is light ahead. Take it day by day, have trust in the NICU nurses and medical team and take care of yourself ❤️

#nicubaby#downsyndromeawareness#nicuawarenessmonth#trisomy21