Love, always.

We are excited to welcome Beth back to the Blog! Each month in 2023, we will focus on a theme, and as I am sure you can imagine, February is Love!

If love is patient and it is kind, then it must also be it’s opposite.  We are the sum of our light and dark parts. I heard last week that every feeling we have is data.  It is the information that we need to move forward. And so, if we become rude or arrogant or boastful or impatient, it is not our lack of love talking to us. It is a need we have that is not being met.  Love is not linear.  It dips and soars.  It is easy, and it is hard.  It causes the biggest of butterflies and the greatest of grief.  It is the forever-running rollercoaster ride, where at the end, we say, “wow, that was an awesome ride.” 

I want to tell you a story.  Our son Judah has both Down syndrome and Autism.  And although I am the one who opened Pandora’s box for an autism diagnosis, I’m not sure I ever really accepted it.  So, when we headed to Boston for an appointment with the Developmental Pediatrician, I was shocked to be handed folders of autism information. Sure, he ran away from us twice while we were there.  He also bit his brother, threw his computer, clawed the shit out of his dad, and pooped in the pool. But denial, as they say, is not just a river in Egypt. I have been slowly accepting this new diagnosis, and I am not always mustering patience and kindness.  I am pity and anger and grief, and yet I am still filled with love for my boy.  He is hard, perplexing, and utterly unworldly. He makes me feel fierce, raw, and real.

That is love.

Love is rolling with the highs (where he sits for an entire movie) and the lows (when he is so stuck that he can cause himself and us pain.) Love is holding more than one thing at a time and being okay with that.  Love lets me grieve and cuss and get it all wrong. It gives me both permission to flail and space to get back up again.  Because love does not waiver, it is not toxic positivity that spins its web with rainbows. It whispers, “it’s all worth it.”

I think it’s irresponsible to assume that love always feels amazing.  I bet it makes people wonder if they’re doing it wrong.  Love is not always patient and kind, but it is always there. In some form, it always exists.  It is the ultimate energy, never created or destroyed.  And because of that, love does not have to be perfect.  It simply will always endure.